Yes, it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here — mainly because this is a place I like to vent and I’ve had little or nothing to have to vent about.
I’ve been in a relationship for the past few months and things have been going great. We have a great time together and seem to be able to just be ourselves when we hang out. We’ve even got to the point of discussing the future together. Marrige, havin’ a kid … you know, just the kind of thing two people that love each other and wanna move on to the next step together would be talkin’ about…
I never really thought I’d find love again. As you can view from my previous blog entries over the years — things just never seem to work out. I’m not sure if it’s been the girls I pick that end up being just generally ‘wrong’ for me, or if it’s me destroying something everytime. I know that usually there’s just not been enough for me to want to continue a relationship beyond a certain point.
So, anyway — for those of you thinking this is some sort of happy ending story, I don’t know that you’ll get that. See… Something happened. I don’t know what … Can’t place my finger on it … But something happened and suddenly, almost overnight, our relationship has been turned upside fuckin’ down. I dunno if it’s over yet – but I can’t seem to get any real words out of her.
She’s completly freaked out — She has a lot of stress in her life, mostly financial, and that’s been taking a toll on her, but I’m now in a position where I can help her — we can work like a family and solve a lot of problems. But suddenly, as that option started becoming a reality, it seems she’s bolting. Running like the fuckin’ wind going nowhere good.
I’m in such a living hell right now — dying inside — unable to focus on anything — work is like torture, the minute I start getting something done, her face pops into my mind and I just can’t function.
Someone fuckin’ save me before I loose my goddamn mind!
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Our Sense of self comes from our need to map our relationships. After a break up with an NPD person, and a lot of healing time, you are forced to recognize so many parts of yourself and claim your strengths. People who have not gone through this are at a spiritual and emotional level no where near our own, they sense how little they can do for us therapeutically. Just as you were before your NPD person, they are now: Looking for a relationship as therapy. Discounting friendship, or companionship even.
While you are finding simple friendship can be very precious, and wish for a companion who simply understands.
Its only been 8 months since I broke all communications with my NPD person. Only yesterday I think I noticed something different, and that because I found a woman who had gone through the exact same thing with and NPD person.
I suspect we will only be able to bond with another who has gone through this, and grown similar as we have. Survivors bond thing, perhaps the only one our spirit and emotions will actually be able form a long lasting bond.
Good luck to you, but write me if you wish, it helps just to know anyone understands.
In spirit and understanding
A