Pathological narcissism & NPD
A compilation of information gathered from all over the web…
Pathological narcissism occurs in a spectrum of severity. In its more extreme forms, it is narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is considered to result from a person’s belief that he or she is flawed in a way that makes the person fundamentally unacceptable to others. This belief is held below the person’s conscious awareness; such a person would typically deny thinking such a thing if questioned. In order to protect themselves against the intolerably painful rejection and isolation they imagine would follow if others recognized their supposedly defective nature, such people make strong attempts to control others’ view of them and behavior towards them.
The common use of the term “narcissism” refers to some of the ways people defend themselves against this narcissistic dynamic: a concern with one’s own physical and social image, a preoccupation with one’s own thoughts and feelings, and a sense of grandiosity. There are, however, many other behaviors that can stem from narcissistic concerns, such as immersion in one’s own affairs to the exclusion of others, an inability to empathize with others’ experience, interpersonal rigidity, an insistence that one’s opinions and values are “right,” and a tendency to be easily offended and take things personally.
To the extent that people are pathologically narcissistic, they can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of other’s needs and of the effects of their behavior on others, and insistent that others see them as they wish to be seen.
People who are overly narcissistic commonly feel rejected, humiliated and threatened when criticized. To protect themselves from these dangers, they often react with disdain, rage, and/or defiance to any slight, real or imagined. To avoid such situations, some narcissistic people withdraw socially and may feign modesty or humility.
Though individuals with NPD are often ambitious and capable, the inability to tolerate setbacks, disagreements or criticism, along with lack of empathy, make it difficult for such individuals to work cooperatively with others or to maintain long-term professional achievements. With narcissistic personality disorder, the person’s perceived fantastic grandiosity, often coupled with a hypomanic mood, is typically not commensurate with his or her real accomplishments.
The interpersonal relationships of patients with NPD are typically impaired due to the individual’s lack of empathy, disregard for others, exploitativeness, sense of entitlement, and constant need for attention. They frequently select as mates, and engender in their children, “co-narcissism,” which is a term coined to refer to a co-dependent personality style similar to co-alcoholism and co-dependency. Co-narcissists organize themselves around the needs of others. They feel responsible for others, accept blame readily, are eager to please, defer to other’s opinions, and fear being considered selfish if they act assertively.
It is unusual for people to seek therapy for NPD. Subconscious fears of exposure of inadequacy are often met with defensive disdain of therapeutic processes.
Because NPD contributes to negative, stressful life experiences characterized by the mental health field as “clinically significant distress” or “impairment”, co-existing conditions of depression and anxiety are typical, and can ameliorate with pharmaceutical interventions. NPD sufferers are more likely to seek such treatment from primary care physicians for relief of immediate symptoms of distress / depression.
Patients with NPD are particularly susceptible to problems of substance abuse, impulse control, and suicidal and/or self-destructive behavior, which may shorten their lives.
Patients should be advised that their patterns of perception and response are the results of some combination of inheritance and personal history, and that recovery is therefore likely to be a prolonged process, requiring effort and attention. The relevance of ongoing psychotherapy to long-standing vulnerabilities requires frequent reemphasis by the physician.
Most clinical writers seem unaware that narcissists’ self-reports are unreliable. This is troubling, considering that lying is the most common complaint about narcissists and that, in many instances, defects of empathy lead narcissists to wildly inaccurate misinterpretations of other people’s speech and actions, so that they may believe that they are liked and respected despite a history of callous and exploitative personal interactions.
– my personal experiences with a narcissist are still way to fresh for me to be able to write about at the moment. Frankly, I’ve been accused of being a narcissist myself, but I’m glad to say I’m very aware of my shortcomings and selfishness and I know exactly when I’m being hurtful. It’s not a subconscious thing. I’m happy to report that I am a selfish, self-absorbed, arrogant, intelligent, procrastinating, asshole; Nothing less, nothing more.
Please feel free to add your feelings and/or experiences … No names please, thats not what this is about.
Tags:defiance, disdain, narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, painful rejection, pathological narcissism, rigidity, self absorbedPowered by Gregarious (36)
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May 30th, 2007 00:50
It is possible to have a relatively smooth relationship with a narcissist, and it’s possible to maintain it for a long time. The first requirement for this, though, is distance: this simply cannot be done with a narcissist you live with. Given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you’re bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time.
It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists. They’re pretty good at maintaining a conventional persona in superficial associations with people who mean absolutely nothing to them, and they’ll flatter the hell out of you if you have something they can use or if, for some reason, they perceive you as an authority figure. That is, as long as they think you don’t count or they’re afraid of you, they’ll treat you well enough that you may mistake it for love. But, as soon as you try to get close to them, they’ll say that you are too demanding — and, if you ever say “I love you,” they’ll presume that you belong to them as a possession or an appendage, and treat you very very badly right away. The abrupt change from decent treatment to outright abuse is very shocking and bewildering, and it’s so contrary to normal experience that I was plenty old before I realized that it was actually my expression of affection that triggered the narcissists’ nasty reactions. Once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you like an appliance and shove you around like a piece of furniture. If you object, then they’ll say that obviously you don’t really love them or else you’d let them do whatever they want with you. If you should be so uppity as to express a mind and heart of your own, then they will cut you off — just like that, sometimes trashing you and all your friends on the way out the door. The narcissist will treat you just like a broken toy or tool or an unruly body part: “If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off” [Matt. 18:8]. This means you.
More here: http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html
May 30th, 2007 01:45
Thanks for sending me the original link — I’ve added it to the end of your post.
“The abrupt change from decent treatment to outright abuse is very shocking and bewildering” & “If you should be so uppity as to express a mind and heart of your own, then they will cut you off — just like that” really hit home for me.
Joannas ‘Traits Discussed’ page is almost too familiar for comfort. (http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html)
May 31st, 2007 00:24
assuming you’re writing this because of someone you were in a relationship with.
GET AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN! people with even mild disorder like this one can ruin your life and totally fry your mental stability. they’ll make you think you’re the one that has a problem. even if you think they’re a great person deep down, they will always make you the problem.
my ex bf was this way. i spent almost two years trying to make things work but in the end i ended up in therapy which helped me realize that this was his problem and my only option was to leave. people like this don’t even think they are doing anything wrong so they can’t be helped usually.
September 25th, 2007 22:24
i agree. Run away and don’t look back. Five years with a narcissist and I’m cleaning up the biggest mess I could’ve ever imagined. These people will RUIN your emotional, physical, financial and psychological well being and when you are no longer good “supply” they will morph themselves drastically and stunningly into another “persona” for the NEW supply and toss you aside like an old appliance that no longer functions for them any longer. It is extremely difficult to put your life back together after being with one of these people.
I too thought I could “help” him and appeal to his “inner better nature” Thing was he played on THAT to get supply and HAD no better nature! It took a long time to believe that as their lack of empathy something most of us cannot fathom. These people are predators for their own gain and nothing else. They exist to get supply and if you think they “love” you then you are caught in their delusion. They love what they can GET from you be it attention or anything else and you are used like a functioning toy until through their abuse you cease to function. It’s not worth it. Get away before your life is ruined and it most certainly will be if you stay. MANY people in my support group have told me they feel their N/P or someone with ASPD was trying deliberately to drive them to suicide. Yes, there ARE people like this and if you’ve never known one consider yourself lucky. Learn the red flags of how to spot them early on so you don’t get fooled by their lies and charm or “mr. pitiful” act they put on when they are trying to reel in someone new.
There is nothing to do with a narcissist, someone with ASPD or who is psychopath than to get AWAY immediately and have no further contact with them at all.
September 28th, 2007 05:19
Any advice on how to stop obsessing about a NPD’s trashing you to family and friends, when the course of action you were advised to take is ‘no action’.
How do I stop raging inside about the lies, the burglaries, the viciousness? Seems there’s no release for the anger.
November 27th, 2007 18:03
“I too thought I could “help” him and appeal to his “inner better nature” Thing was he played on THAT to get supply and HAD no better nature! It took a long time to believe that as their lack of empathy something most of us cannot fathom. These people are predators for their own gain and nothing else. They exist to get supply and if you think they “love” you then you are caught in their delusion. They love what they can GET from you be it attention or anything else and you are used like a functioning toy until through their abuse you cease to function. It’s not worth it. Get away before your life is ruined and it most certainly will be if you stay. MANY people in my support group have told me they feel their N/P or someone with ASPD was trying deliberately to drive them to suicide. Yes, there ARE people like this and if you’ve never known one consider yourself lucky. Learn the red flags of how to spot them early on so you don’t get fooled by their lies and charm or “mr. pitiful” act they put on when they are trying to reel in someone new.”
I totally agree and relate to this statement. I beleive that narcissists do play on people’s emotions and their compassion and sympathy when they are trying to obtain narcissistic supply. They target people whom they think are going to be the most sympathetic and empathetic to them and won’t ever blatantly criticize or insult them. The narcissist I experienced always played “Mr. Pitiful” and I would always sympathize until I realized how self-sufficient the bastard was and how he would always reject any compassion shown to him. But even though he would reject compassion, he would expect it to be given to him if he was playing the pitiful act and he would try to instill guilt if he didn’t get it. I ended up blowing up at him over this. People like this are truly evil minded and they know what they are doing. And they are very predatory because they will watch their target and spot any changes in their target’s attitude or personality.
January 21st, 2008 14:43
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
the book by Kent Daniel Glowinski
NEWS RELEASE
EVER TOLD A TERRIBLE EX YOU WOULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
CANADIAN LAWYER WROTE THAT BOOK.
January 18, 2008 – OTTAWA, CANADA – Today, Canadian lawyer Kent Glowinski, age 29, released his first book “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”.
“Have you ever told a terrible ex that you would write a book about your relationship? This is that book. Rather than burn your bridges with exes, why not blow them to pieces?” stated Glowinski.
Through the over fifty poems set in various locations, including an IKEA store, under a Martha Stewart Duvet Cover, and at a murder-by-knitting-needle scene, Glowinski weaves together the story of a relationship gone horribly wrong - small battles over cups of tea, full-scale wars over an afternoon leek soup.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a book about falling in love with the unlovable: the arrogant, the self-centred and the narcissistic; and speaks not only in terms of the wreckage we leave behind when love implodes, but the different ways we couples communicate: through social class, different upbringings, values, and style of loving one another.
“This is the perfect Valentines day gift for an awful ex,” concluded Glowinski.
More information and book purchase can be made at http://www.narcissism.ca. Book will be in retail outlets/Amazon.com later in the month.
- 30 -
For more information:
kent@narcissism.ca
http://www.narcissism.ca
August 6th, 2008 21:58
Being raised by a narcissist is no picnic either. Being raised to believe that there was only room for one person in the house to have feelings (at it certainly wasn’t YOU) can cause a person some real issues along the way. I still 40 years later walk on egg shells and avoid conflict with my NPD mother.
Oh, the stories I could tell if I wanted to get all raged up. Thanks for the incredibly enlightening post!
August 26th, 2008 13:26
I, too, was raised by a pathological narcissistic mother. Now at age 50, I finally stumbled upon some articles about NPD. This was so enlightening to me. The information finally made some sense of my childhood and some explanation for my mom. However, I still try to avoid her as much as possible because she never ceases to amaze me with her behavior.
October 15th, 2008 22:19
Wow. I’m simply amazed at all this. Until only 4 or 5 years ago did I realized that I have been with a narcissist. I’ve known this guy for 12 years. Yes. 12 painful years. I’m truly surprised I can still function. I always wondered what was wrong with him and because of the line of work I am in, I began to learn more about mental health/disorders; only then did I realized that this man that I have loved is a narcissist. I am ashamed to say that I fell into this guy’s trap and very recently realized that nothing will ever change. I hope this forum and others will help people who are abused with these people.