When we’ve been out drinkin’ a bit and you’re much more intoxicated than I am, please try and remember these rules. Commit them to memory, as I’m sure there will be a pop-quiz sometime soon.

• Don’t tell me not to light my own cigarettes. I’ve been smoking longer than I’ve been driving — the process is second nature and I’m quite good at it. Besides that, trying to get at the lit cigarette you’re dangling in front of my face is really quit difficult and much more distracting than lighting my own.
• Please don’t try to take things out of my hands. Especially lit cigarettes. Especially after spending the past 10 minutes explaining why I should be concentrating on the road rather than lighting my own smokes. That red hot ember burning a hole through a few layers of skin is a touch distracting and I believe we’re trying to avoid that.
• Don’t tell me, over and over and over and over, why I should be using the cruise-control. I’m not nearly as drunk as you are and I’m quite happy with the way the pedals work. I feel much more in control — and it keeps my right foot from getting bored.
• Don’t get mad when I ask you to stop yelling at me. A few seconds ago you’re primary goal was to keep me from being distracted; the yelling is a bit of a contradiction.  It’s frustrating and will eventually end with me telling you to shut the fuck up at the top of my voice which will in turn make you sad and angry.  Lets avoid that.
• Don’t give me directions unless I ask for them. I know where I’m going. I just drove there, the 1 shot and 4 beers I’ve had over the past 4 hours have not erased my memory.
• When you insist on giving me directions, please consider that you’re wrong and if I take the path you’ve chosen, we’ll likely end up in Joliet rather than your house. Don’t get pissy when I tell you your wrong and PLEASE don’t get even pissier when you realize that I’m right. Again, not conducive to my concentrating.
• When the radio starts playing that song I like and I try to turn it up, don’t grab my hand, turn the radio off and explain to me why I shouldn’t be adjusting the radio. A) It’s really frustrating — I just wanna listen to my song. B) Jerking my hand causes a chain reaction. It is attached to the rest of my body. My body is currently working a couple of pedals and a steering wheel. You see what I’m getting at with this one?
• The drive home is not a great time for you to explain to me why you think I’m as drunk as you are. Here’s how this works. A) You weight 105lbs and I weight over twice that. B) I’ve consumed less. C) You have refused to eat a damn thing, so you’re tiny little ass currently being fueled by nothing but Miller light and Jagermeister. I don’t care how you do the math, I’m still sober when your blood alcohol level is well over .08 — Sorry if this seems unfair, but it’s just the way it works.

Thats all — Just follow those simple rules and we’re golden.

* Note to the general public: I do not in any way advise you drive drunk. Even if you’re not drunk, take a cab. Drinking and driving can land you in a stinky jail cell with really rude cops and people that would otherwise be homeless. Also, you could kill someone — and that entails crying, a dead person, lots more jail time, probably some guilt and lots of other undesirable things.