Why now?

Yes, it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here — mainly because this is a place I like to vent and I’ve had little or nothing to have to vent about.

I’ve been in a relationship for the past few months and things have been going great.  We have a great time together and seem to be able to just be ourselves when we hang out.   We’ve even got to the point of discussing the future together.  Marrige, havin’ a kid … you know, just the kind of thing two people that love each other and wanna move on to the next step together would be talkin’ about…

I never really thought I’d find love again.  As you can view from my previous blog entries over the years — things just never seem to work out.  I’m not sure if it’s been the girls I pick that end up being just generally ‘wrong’ for me, or if it’s me destroying something everytime.  I know that usually there’s just not been enough for me to want to continue a relationship beyond a certain point.

So, anyway — for those of you thinking this is some sort of happy ending story, I don’t know that you’ll get that.  See… Something happened.  I don’t know what … Can’t place my finger on it … But something happened and suddenly, almost overnight, our relationship has been turned upside fuckin’ down.  I dunno if it’s over yet - but I can’t seem to get any real words out of her.

She’s completly freaked out — She has a lot of stress in her life, mostly financial, and that’s been taking a toll on her, but I’m now in a position where I can help her — we can work like a family and solve a lot of problems.  But suddenly, as that option started becoming a reality, it seems she’s bolting.  Running like the fuckin’ wind going nowhere good.

I’m in such a living hell right now — dying inside — unable to focus on anything — work is like torture, the minute I start getting something done, her face pops into my mind and I just can’t function.

Someone fuckin’ save me before I loose my goddamn mind!