Went insane last night and tried to drink myself to death … Yeah - it’s 1pm the day after, and I’m still drunk. I really feel I have a bit of a death wish. No single person should be able to consume the amount of Harp and Jager I drank last night.

Promised someone I’d go out to some southside bar tonight. Back to sleep … Need rest to do it all over again tonight. Maybe I’ll avoid the Jager this time.

I hate the White Sox - I have to … I was born and raised on the north side of Chicago. But - I have to root for the home team.

I FEEL SO DIRTY!! Rooting for the Sox - it’s just not right.

I should be at a bar with friends right now - but as always, the friend I’m going with is late, and it’s raining so the chances of my catching a cab are slim to none. FUCK. I want a beer and a crowded bar.

I’ve got a couple of friends - they’ve been together for a few years, but it’s been one of those ‘rollercoaster’ relationships. Talking to them today, I find out that they intend to breed…

The prospect of these two people spawning scares the ever lovin’ shit out of me … I won’t go into specifics about it at all, but lets just say they have certain issues they REALLY need to work out before they can consider providing a home for a child.

Thats all…

Yep - got piss drunk last night. Said a lot of things to someone - a lot of things I meant from the bottom of my drunken heart - a lot of things I never should have said. Just can’t imagine leaving things the way they were and I had to spew some ugly out.

Now sober, I do regret saying some of what I said. Amazingly, I don’t feel bad about most of what came out.

Ya ever ask someone not to do ONE simple thing? Nothing insane, just a simple request. Then you find out that they kept on doing it. In my case it wasn’t even a huge thing, shouldn’t have been a huge thing at all, but my friend couldn’t handle the request, then lied about it… When confronted with it, she lied about it some more, and stuck to her lies - never stopping to think I had proof of her lie, and so she lied a bit more.

Some part of me is gonna miss her - miss her a lot - she’s been the first person on my list of people to call when anything interesting happened, the last person I wanted to talk to before I went to bed … Love is an evil, evil, evil thing… But thats over now… I’m broken.

Life sux this morning. It’s probably gonna be this way for quite some time.

I quit quitting for the moment. Just had a wonderful conversation with someone (an IM conversation). It destroyed my ability to say no to nicotine: the real kind, not the stuff that comes off a patch.

You ever known one of those people that you can spend 3 hours on the phone with?

Now, you ever known one of those people that you spend 3 hours on the phone with, but you don’t ever get to be a part of the conversation? You know - that person that can go on, redundantly, about this and that, and whenever you say anything they just turn the conversation around to something about them?

Anyway - thats the person I was IMing with … Thats the person that put my willpower in one corner and nicotine in the other; She and nicotine double-teamed willpower and willpower lost.

On that, I’m off to the pub to drown my sorrows, smoke a pack of these filthy cigarettes and try to figure out how I allowed myself to waste more than 2 years on this so-called friend.

Tomorrow, we’re back to square 1 … With one less stress-causer to kill my will.

I WANT a goddamn, motherfucking, Camel Light cigarette. I want 10 of them. Hell, I want to be a fuckin’ smoker. I want to chain-smoke the damn things ’til I get so sick I puke all over the rest of them.

That being said, day 3 is going very well - for me. For those around me, god help you if you piss me off - I will kill you. I will shove a goddamn carton of smokes up your ass, each one lit & sans astro glide.

But yeah - it’s going well. Locked myself in my house this evening to avoid sprinting to the corner store for a pack of Camel straights (no filter). Just drugged myself to make sure I don’t wander to the store in my sleep to buy a pack. If I could figure out how to get these restraints on by myself, I’d strap myself into my bed.

Oh, yes. Going so very well.

Ok, so … The urge to smoke isn’t nearly as powerful as I imagined it would be. I’m on my second day and I haven’t had much of an urge to light up.

The physical withdrawl symptoms, on the other hand, are a fuckin’ bitch. Everything they tell you to expect - Jitters, inability to concentrate, headaches, back aches, nausia… You name it — I’m feeling it. The only thing I can compare it to is a bad hangover. But, since I can’t ever smoke much when I’m hungover, I guess it’s a sort of blessing in disguise.

Smoking. I LOVE to smoke, I really really do. I’ve been smoking for a little over 15 years and I’ve enjoyed every drag.

But - I’ve decided it’s time to bid my old friend, Joe Camel, fairwell.

No, it’s not the money, health, social reasons or any of the standard reasons people have for quitting. I’m quitting because I’m a control freak and this damn addiction is the only thing I feel I don’t have any control over.

I’m done running to the store at 2am just to buy smokes so I don’t wake up to an empty pack. I’m done walking away from an interesting conversation at a sushi bar because I feel my nicotine levels are dropping off and I need a quick refill.

15 hours in and the patch is doing it’s job … I’ve got the jitters, I’m feeling out of sorts and my ability to concentrate is non-existant (it’s taken me 10 minutes to write this post), but the urge to smoke is pretty much under control.